RED DWARF 8 and a half - Episode 2 - Do the Hogey Pokey
by J A McCollough
Summary: Red Dwarf ended with a cliffhanger in 1999. The series resumed in 2009, and 2012, with no resolution of this cliffhanger. This series on script stories attempts to resolve what happened between series VIII and IX. In episode 2, the Dwarfers run into rogue droid Hogey, and figth a battle in Time... and Space! Red dwarf is property of Grant Naylor.
1. Do the Hoguey Pokey

**Credit where due. Again thankyou to Dan Dodge for inspiring the wonderful Mould Joke!**

**DO THE HOGEY POKEY**

Sc.1 Int. Bunkroom.

_We are in LISTER and RIMMER's bunkroom. They are laying on their beds slumbering. RIMMER has his ship issue PJ's on, LISTER is wearing his red Long Johns. RIMMER stands up, unable to sleep._

**RIMMER**

Lights!

_The lights come up. Rimmer begins pacing the floor._

**LISTER  
**Rimmer, its 4 in the morning! What the smeg is going on?

**RIMMER  
**I dunno, I just can't sleep. He's dead Lister, dead! I killed him, squashed him flat!

**LISTER**

He's not dead though is he, I mean, you've got his memories now. You lived his life!

**RIMMER**

I'm not sure he'd see it like that to be honest.

**LISTER**

But you are him! He is you.

**RIMMER**

Lucky me, I must be the only person in the history of the universe to Die Twice!

**LISTER**

Kryten's gonna put him in the next mail pod and blast him out into space. Let him float among the stars, we thought you'd like that.

**RIMMER**

I've decided I want to give him a funeral. A proper send off, something worthy of his impressive life.

**LISTER**

Impressive? You never did anything impressive! You never did anything!

**RIMMER  
**you can talk?! You know, they cured mould in 2078. Completely abolished it, animals and plants that never rotted and never got mouldy. And hear you are, growing it in a mug.

_He hold up Lister's mould mug._

**RIMMER**

3 million years into deep space, last mould ever. The last bit of mould ever, and I have it for a roommate.

**LISTER**

It has a name y'know… it's called Albert.

**RIMMER**

Oh does he now! How do you do Albert?! Had a nice day Albert?! Names! What's next, taking him it out for dinner, buying it a Christmas present? I knew an Albert once, my first job ever, working in a shoe shop and Albert Pickle was my supervisor. He was a git too…

**LISTER**

Come on Rimmer… Lights.

_Lights off._

Sc.2 Int. Memorial Garden.

**RIMMER**

We are gathered here today, to celebrate the life and accomplishments of Arnold Judas Rimmer. Here was a man of such commitment, such drive and spirit; and… spirit… and drive. Whilst he is dead in body, he lives on in spirit.

**LISTER  
**Is this gonna take much longer?!

**RIMMER**

You know I'm really getting the hang of this funeral thing, I might become a funeral director… Rimmer and Son.

**KOCHANSKI**

Who's the and son?

**RIMMER**

I don't know, they're all and Son aren't they?! Anyway… Arnold J Rimmer, the hero… May he rest in peace? Mr Rimmer has requested we play the following song. Which I feel, perfectly sums up his time on this earth…

_We see cat press play on an old fashioned jukebox. The song "Goodbyeee Don't cryeee" plays._

**RIMMER**

What is this?! This isn't my song!

_Cat winks._

**CAT**

Surprise!

**RIMMER**

You've ruined my funeral you idiotic feline git!

**CAT**

Man, this place was dead before I arrived!

**LISTER  
**Guys!

**KOCHANSKI**

Come on guys! Let's go have a few drinks and celebrate Rimmer's death!

Sc.3 Int. Disco.

_The guys and Kochanski are severely pickled now. Rimmer is leading a conga line, Lister appears to have lost several items of clothing, and Kryten is dancing on a table wearing novelty sunglasses._

**KOCHANSKI, RIMMER, LISTER, CAT (singing)**

Oh Rimmer's/I'm a jolly good Smegger!

Oh Rimmer's/I'm a jolly good Smegger!

Oh Rimmer's/I'm a jolly good Smegger!

Now that he has/I have died twice!

The conga line exits the disco.

Sc.4 Int. Medilab.

_The conga line enters. And sings. Sometime later, RIMMER is writing in a book._

**RIMMER**

Rimmer and son, first client satisfied. Marvellous.

_A drunken Lister staggers across the room and smashes a vial of liquid. A pink gas emits around the room. The crew all run out!_

Sc.5 Int. Corridor

_More conga line, fading to…_

Sc.6 Int Bunkroom.

_Rimmer and Lister are sleeping cuddled up in Rimmer's bunk, fully clothed. Cat is drooped over Lister's bunk, and Kryten is crashed out against the table with smoke coming out his forehead…_

**HOLLY**

Awooga Awooga, emergency! Emergency!

_RIMMER and LISTER wake up, notice that they are cuddled up… they look away, and then do a double take._

**LISTER AND RIMMER**

AAH!

_They separate._

**HOLLY**

Emergency! Emergency! Certain death!

**CAT  
**What is it computer head?!

**HOLLY**

The highly contagious King Flu virus heading straight for you.

**RIMMER  
**A virus? Isn't that lockdown.

**HOLLY**

I was getting to that! Lockdown in 5 minutes. Please proceed to cargo bay for evacuation.

_Kryten buzzes to life._

**LISTER**

Come on!

_They get up to go._

Sc.7 int. Star bug.

_The four guys are in place, Kochanski enters._

**KOCHANSKI**

One minute till infection.

**LISTER**

Let's get out of here…

MODEL SHOT: Star bug leaves Red Dwarf.

**CAT**

Yo, how long is this gonna take? I have a date with a vending machine, and there's fish on the menu! Ow!

**KRYTEN**

Well according to the readouts sir, the virus should devour itself within approximately 3 days!

**RIMMER**

THREE DAYS! WHAT ARE GOING TO DO FOR THREE DAYS STUCK IN HERE?!

**KOCHANSKI**

I don't think that will be a problem.

**LISTER  
**Why not.

**KOCHANSKI**

Because we only have enough air for 6 hours.

**RIMMER**

I thought Starbug stocked 3 months worth of supplies?

**LISTER**

Ah. When we were drinking last night, I thought it might be a laugh you know… see how much air I could breathe. Turns out breathing is quite easy to do…

**CAT**

Great, so now I'm gonna suffocate to death with three people who wouldn't know designer fashion if it slapped them on their ugly little faces!

**LISTER**

No man! Listen, we'll land of the nearest S3 moon, and set up camp for a couple of nights. Kryten, what's on the scanner man?

**KRYTEN**

Its fifteen hundred geegooks west sir…

VFX shot: Starbug lands on a desert moon. As it lands we see its feet land on a ball, clearly labelled… Brother.

Sc.8 Ext. Desert Moon

_Hogey the Roguey approaches Starbug. We see him from behind only, a rough mechanical being. He notices the crushed football. Close up on his face. He is mad! Starbug opens its doors and the stairs fall on Hogey._

**HOGEY**

Oomph!

_Lister and Co. walk out of the Starbug. Lister is immediately ambushed by Hogey._

**HOGEY**

Hairy man! My name is Hogey, you have killed my brother. Now! Prepare to die in a duel through time… and space.

**RIMMER**

Don't you just love meeting new people!

**LISTER**

You've got the wrong bloke man! I haven't killed anyone, ask them! Have I Cat?

_Hogey turns and points his gun at Cat._

**CAT**

Hey I didn't see nothing, leave me out of this!

_Hogey knocks cat out with his metal arm._

**RIMMER**

Ah, mr Hockey sir-

**HOGEY**

HOGEY!

**RIMMER  
**Hogey sir, of course… You may have noticed that I, am in fact dead… and therefore there's not much point in trying to, kill me, as it were.

**HOGEY**

You are hard light…

**RIMMER  
**Yes well…

_He knocks Rimmer unconscious…_

**KRYTEN**

Sir, madam, might I suggest that now would be a good time to…

**LISTER**

RUN!

_LISTER, KOCHANSKI, and KRYTEN make a run for it, leaving RIMMER and CAT behind. HOGEY shoots after them, stunning them all to the ground, out cold. Cut to black._

Sc.9 Int. "Starbug?"

_The Crew are seated in their positions in Starbug, but something is wrong. The set looks more plastic than usual, everything is a little fake. They are still out cold, but coming to._

**LISTER**

Kryten what's going on man?

**KOCHANSKI**

I don't remember getting back on the ship.

**KOCHANSKI**

How long were we out?

**KRYTEN**

According to the navicomp, 3 days…

**CAT**

Last thing I remember, that metal head weirdo boshed on the head and out went the lights!

**RIMMER**

Look at the controls, they're all flat.

**KOCHANSKI**

They're made of paper! Look, someone's stuck them on with Glue…

_She licks a finger._

**KOCHANSKI CONT.**

PVA, still wet.

_The engines fire up._

**LISTER**

Whoa! Something's making us take off!

**RIMMER  
**But how? This ship's got less power in it than a welsh wrestler!

**CAT**

I'm getting something… Smells like… torpedo's, headed straight for us!

**LISTER  
**LOOK OUT!

_Cut to HOGEY, he is playing with a toy Starbug, and pretending to fire torpedo's at it._

**KRYTEN**

Umm, sirs…

**RIMMER  
**Not now Kryten! How do we fight back! There's no controls in this ship!

**KRYTEN**

Sirs…

**LISTER**

We've got to think, who would make an exact copy of Starbug?

**KRYTEN**

SIRS! Look out of the window I implore you!

VFX shot – the smiling face of a huge Hogey is visible through the window. He sneezes, snot goes all over Starbug.

_The dwarfers freeze in visible shock._

**LISTER**

What. The. Smeg.

**RIMMER**

I just had new windscreen wipers put in!

**CAT**

It's gonna take more than windscreen wipers to clean captain cranky's nose jizz off the window!

**KOCHANSKI**

How has this happened!

**KRYTEN**

Seems simple enough, simple so much so that even the dimmest of being could understand… MS Kochanski.

**RIMMER  
**Well maybe you could explain it anyway? You know, for anyone less intelligent than us!

**KRYTEN**

Well it seems to be a simple transmogrification algorithm, created from a miniaturization ray sirs.

**LISTER  
**Can you reverse it?

**KRYTEN**

It shouldn't be too difficult if we reroute the main frequency back on itself… Just give me a minute to, ah, there we go. Now, hold onto yourself… this could get a little stange.

VFX SHOT: They grow to normal size.

_They are sat on the ground of a rundown shack owned by Hogey._

**LISTER  
**Yeah! You did it kryt! We made it!

**HOGEY**

Freeze right there! My name is Hogey, you killed my brother, I challenge you to a-

_Cut to Rimmer, he is bald._

**RIMMER  
**Now listen here Hogey, they'll be no "Duels in time and space" today. We've had enough of your fun and games. We're getting off this rock and-

_Everyone is laughing, Rimmer wonders why. Lister holds up a tiny set of hair. Rimmer realises his hair did not grow with the rest of him._

**RIMMER**

Now listen to me you gimboid gwenlen! If you don't show me the way back to my ship, so I can sort this mess out… so help me! You might be alright with a ridiculous haircut, but I prefer to look… smart.

**CAT**

Smart?! Is that what you were going for? I thought you were a carpet!

**KOCHANSKI**

Arnold just leaves him…

**LISTER**

Yeah come on, he's just a kid!

**CAT**

A kid?! If he's a kid, I'd hate to see his mum!

**KRYTEN**

I'm afraid it's true sir, he's nothing more than a child these days. His mechanical brain has rotten so far, I doubt he has much more IQ than say, Mister Lister!

VFX SHOT – Starbug takes off

_We see Hogey mourn his "Brother" the football…_

**HOGEY**

Fear not brother, I will avenge you in a battle through time and space.

Sc.10 Int. Red Dwarf corridor.

_The crew are walking down the corridor towards the bunkroom._

**LISTER**

See not all rogue droids are evil! Some of them are just children, trying to get on in the world and have some fun. To him, we were heroes, space adventurers to be gawped and goggled at. To him we were probably the equivalent of captain scarlet, or superman! Just heroes who he can play with, like action figures. That's why he made that toy Starbug; He'd probably been watching and gawping at up for days... He's probably spent weeks making that, waiting for us to land on his moon to play with him.

Sc.11 int. Bunk room

_They enter through the door._

It just makes you think doesn't it? How all this time we've been fighting these rogues, and all along, some of them-

_Notices Mould mug._

I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

**ALL**

What?!

**LISTER  
**Albert's dead! The Virus must've killed it!

**RIMMER  
**Here's my card.

_Rimmer hands Lister a "Rimmer and Sons." Card._

_FIN._


	2. Episode 3 Preview

**NO BATHING MATTER**

In episode III... Kochanski goes missing, and Lister leaves his annual bath running! Though the search the skies, Kochanski is gone without a trace. Dave blames the Simulants, but is Kryten holding a dark secret.


End file.
